Brain Freeze

It’s been cold, really, really cold.   The longest cold spell in over 20 years.  This deep long cold has shut me down.  All I’ve wanted to do is curl up on the couch under a blanket or park myself in front of the fireplace.   I’ve slipped into hibernation and everything about me has slowed down, especially my brain.  It does not want to think.

img_0556

Here we go… one, two, three – creative thoughts from my brain are forming and working their way out into a fabulous story…nothing, nothing is happening.  I have no thoughts, no ideas.  Should I be concerned?  Wait, I feel something.  This could be it.  Nope, it’s just nausea, and I feel warm.  Great now I’m sick and going to vomit.   I bet it won’t be the nice easy up and out vomit but the retching, sweating, my hair went in the toilet, grunting like a beast, rip the toilet loose, best abs workout ever vomit.

Now I’m stuck in a vortex of negativity and no motivation – holly sh_t what’s next? 

Can I blame the cold?  Maybe my brain actually froze?  When I knock on my head it doesn’t sound totally hollow.  Well, it does if I open my mouth while I knock but that’s normal, right?    As I sit at the keyboard I feel like I’m 5 years old being dragged through the grocery store by my Mom while she shops, and shops and ignores my cries that we have enough and should go.  To avoid a trip down another isle I recall I’d firmly plant my Spiderman shoes and hold my ground.  Apparently, even the sticky grips of my superhero shoes were no match for my Mom on a mission to finish her list.  The truth is she didn’t want to be there either.  She simply sucked it up and got it done!  

So here I sit just like the grocery store fighting every step.  Curse you grocery isles!   Given my Mom is nowhere near to pull me along I must do this myself or look for the next available strong woman (I’m slightly bigger now and have better shoes) to help pull me along.   Then again I’m not wearing shoes, in fact, I’m barely dressed at all.  Getting dressed felt like work so I passed on that as well.  Wow! It’s worse than I thought.  What the heck am I doing?  Knocking on my head, flashbacks to my childhood, strange brawny women pulling my nearly naked body around the house and toilet crunch ab workouts.  That’s a lot of useless crazy thoughts.  Then again maybe there’s a nugget in there if I just stick it out.   Suzanne Somers somehow sold millions of whacky springs for toned inner thighs.  Where the heck did that idea come from?  Maybe a toilet workout has promise.  Crazy?  Maybe, maybe not.   Curse you cold brain!

toilet

Acceptance

img_0237
We complain about the rain
when the sun is not there
and on days when it shines
do the same about its glare

We can focus on what it is not
and fight for why can’t it be
or accept that it is
and see the opportunity
to splash in the puddles
dance in the rain
soak up the sun
and choose not to complain

Turning nothing into something

Here we go… one, two, three and – creative thoughts are forming in my brain and working their way out into a fabulous, riveting story…

Wow, still nothing. I have no thoughts, no ideas. Should I be concerned? Maybe I’m just no good at this writing thing. Wait, I feel something. This could be it. Nope, just nausea. Great now I’m going to vomit. I bet it won’t be the nice easy up and out vomit but the retching, sweating, my hair went in the toilet, grunting like a beast, rip the toilet loose, my abs hurt vomit.

This is a normal cycle for many of us. Playing a self-defeating game. Stopping short of many things because we tell ourselves ‘I’m not good enough’ and always assuming the worst will happen. I could stop and do nothing or decide to think and look at it differently.

With a new set of glasses and a new attitude, instead of a blank page, I welcome you to ‘Porcelain Abs’ turning self-doubt into ripped midsections. I’m sure some of you are wishing I stayed with the blank page. This certainly didn’t go the way I thought it would when I started but I’ve learned to accept the detours, discover new things, have a new attitude and not give in to the thoughts that limit where or how far I go.img_0321

And if a detour leads to an ocean my ‘beach bod’ is ready!

 

The Language of Love

Language is a beautiful thing. It allows us to communicate. Although there are many different languages spoken around the world it is of my opinion that the biggest challenge with communication is not across different languages but more so within the same one. To bring attention to this global challenge I embarked on a complex study. The title of my complex, in-depth, terabytes of data, multiple algorithms, many graphs, lots of data study is “Why don’t you understand what’s coming out of my mouth?” Skipping right to the findings and published here for the first time, let’s look at the section on parents communicating will their children. Below is a couple of examples of common translation challenges that occurred between the study subjects:

Example #1

Parent’s words:
Please go wash your hands before you eat.

Childs translation:
Go to the bathroom running your hands along the walls leaving a clearly visible streak of mud from here to there to ensure you can find your way back, turn the tap on full blast, place your hands as close as you can to the tap so water sprays on all walls, avoid using the soap, rub your hands briefly on the towel to leave evidence of how dirty your hands are, don’t fully dry them, don’t completely close the tap, leave the light on, retrace the wall streaks with your wet hands back to the table, look at your plate in disgust and tell me you are not hungry.

Example #2

Parents words:
Please hurry and brush your teeth right now it’s past your bedtime.

Childs translation:

towerCan you make your way to the bathroom sometime over the next 20 minutes, on the way stop and color a picture, sort your Pokemon cards into distinct piles, and build a Lego Star Wars X-wing fighter. Bring X-wing fighter into the bathroom with you, get completely naked, have a 30 minute bowel movement, drop the tail section of the X-wing fighter into the toilet, use a minimum of 4 meters of toilet paper, flush three times, build a tower out of everything on the bathroom counter, squirt 1/4 cup of toothpaste on your brush and on the edge of the counter so its runs down the front of the cabinet, brush for no more than 30 seconds, spit on the taps, leave clothes on the bathroom floor, leave remains of X-wing fighter on the floor, light, and bathroom fan to remain on, come back to me naked and tell me you are hungry.

As a parent, I’ve learned that it’s not always about your children doing ‘exactly’ what you say in the way you thought it should be done.   It doesn’t always mean they didn’t listen or that they were rebelling.   Maybe they just translated what they heard and executed in their way.   We love them dearly anyway.

Taking this to the adult world we can become so frustrated when someone does something we asked in a different way than we would have done it.  Does this mean it’s wrong or they did this out of spite? Don’t be so quick to judge.  Maybe it’s how they translated it, and maybe it’s just different and that’s okay.   Maybe we can love them anyway?

Who is the crazy one?

Driving towards downtown in late September I was torn between enjoying the warmth of the sun streaming in the windows and squinting at its incredible blinding brightness. At this time of the year, the sun is horribly low in the sky during my morning drive dropping off my son at school. As I slowed to a stop behind a vehicle at an intersection I turned my gaze away from the sun to the side window where I glanced around at the changing leaves amazed at how quickly they had changed from green to yellow. As I returned my focus to the intersection the drivers to the left began to advance and I was startled by an alarming blaring horn. I fully expected to see a cruise ship approaching in my rearview mirror. Instead, I saw a very angry man leaning on his horn screaming and waving his other hand infuriated that the lead driver in front of me so rudely stole three seconds away from his life with his selfish pause before accelerating through the intersection into the blazing bright sun. I am as guilty as the lead driver as I too forgot to wear my welding mask and replace my sun visor with a panel from the space shuttle to soften and deflect the intense blazing sun. I also found it hard to tell if the traffic light had actually changed to green with the white spots floating in my vision. With the driver behind me continuing to beat on their horn I struggled to decide what to do next. Now with anger rising within me, not at the driver in front of me but at Captain Angry Pants piloting the cruise ship behind me. I immediately thought “he must have a medical emergency.” No that’s a lie. That thought never even crossed my mind. I thought “what a horrible, jerk face person”. How could that three-second pause make someone that angry!? As I listened to the brilliant prosecuting attorney (me) present more character flaws for jerkface in his closing argument the jury (also me) now on my own as the driver in front of me panicked at the sound of the horn and tore through the intersection and was now nowhere near. Punishment for the defendant came down to two options:

  1. Get out, confront him and impose on him a lecture on “normal human behavior”
  2. Drive very slowly until he passes me and wave with the back of my hand forming a fist with my middle finger slow to join the others. Also hoping to increase his blood pressure to weaken him enough so that he can’t ram my vehicle, pull me through the window and make me a hood ornament for his cruise ship/SUV.

As I contemplated these options I realized I had another option; do nothing. I took a deep breath and proceeded to drive responsibly and by the time I was through the intersection I watched and heard the SUV roar past me still using their horn to signal the lighthouse on the beach.

For quite some time after I quietly cursed about this person and how they could get so upset within three seconds? Then I realized that’s all it took for me to get upset with him!! Within seconds of nearly losing the contents of my colon from the shocking sound of the horn, I went from enjoying a lovely fall morning to HULK SMASH!   Who am I? Jason Bourne? Bruce Banner? Am I inflicted with the same horrible cross wired brain as he and the only difference between him and I are my horn sounds like you stepped on my dog’s chew toy and his a cruise ship? I am hoping that although I felt the anger and needed a deep breath to let it pass you’ll all agree that I’m different, a nicer kind of kray kray, right?

Or maybe we are the same. If you hear the sound of a squeeze toy constantly ringing through the streets or see me sitting uncomfortably on the hood of an SUV you’ll know the line is very, very thin. Time to sign off and put in some time doing downward “squeaky” dogs to calm my mind.

Very kindly, politely,  until you get on my nerves
Jason Bruce Banner Bourne

Choice

Here it is my first post.  You can’t wait to read it, enjoy it, share it, and I can’t wait for you to read it, enjoy it, and share it. Look at that we already have something in common.  Dare I say a trusting friendship is forming?   Here I go…a virtual backwards fall into your arms.   Ultimately the choice is yours to join me on this journey or skip this site and take your chances with one of the other 150 million+  blog sites.  I’m not saying we need to be exclusive, but let’s stay friends (eeek that phrase can sting – more on that in a future post).  I do believe this site will affect you and to ensure the effects are positive (mostly) I’ve provided the flowing guidelines and recommendations based on my own findings.

  1. Review on an empty stomach 1 hour before or 2 hours after a meal. I prepared and reviewed content with both a full and empty stomach. I vomited in both situations, less so on the empty stomach.
  2. Alcohol may intensify the effects (dial-up or down as needed). I forgot what the real point of this particular concern was early in the trial and my notes on the topic only contain useless sketches of unicorns.
  3. Avoid operating heavy machinery. I was not able to validate due to the unforeseen challenges of finding access to heavy machinery. If using the washer and dryer counts as heavy machinery, I did have a number of laundry related mishaps that seem to have lasting side effects with my wife.
  4. May experience extreme feelings of joy or sadness. Joy seemed to be loosely associated with #2 and sadness related to #3.
  5. May experience headaches and/or drowsiness.  Both headaches and drowsiness assumed related to #2, but I fell asleep prior to making any direct correlation.

Now that I’ve proven my friendship through transparency and set you up for a great experience let’s get into why The Write Intentions? Why not I counter?  (Insert compelling “what if” life changing statement here).   Truth is I’ve got a lot of stuff rattling around in my head and it would be selfish, likely damaging, to keep it inside.  I write about everyday experiences and my assumption is most of you will relate.  You may not want to admit it publicly or choose to write about it on a blog but don’t worry that’s why I’m here.  I do it all with The Write Intentions.

Anticipating you’ll be hungry for new content, I plan to start off with weekly posts.  In the unlikely circumstance a week passes without new content, please wait longer.  If more than two weeks pass without an update, I ask that someone check on my welfare as I may have disregarded all my own warnings and I’m lying in a puddle of vomit at the base of a bulldozer surrounded by empty wine bottles suffering from an extreme headache, drowsy, and mumbling about unicorns.

1st Post Bonus!

For all you early adopters taking a chance checking out my blog, I’ve also included a poem about choice – you made one to read this far.  Thank you!  I hope you enjoy (in moderation).

the-choice